Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had