Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.