Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.