Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
This will teach them to underestimate me
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.