Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss