First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.