Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
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Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Worst bar ever.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.