*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.