Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”