If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.