judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
What the dentist sees
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.