Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
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put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Lmfao
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment