Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses