Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.