HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
There is no “we” in pizza
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!