Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
This made me chuckle.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*