To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.