falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids