“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
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You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.