tinder is all about the long game
You Might Also Like
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..