Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
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Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.