“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
You Might Also Like
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?