haha same
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.