When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.