Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
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UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!