I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.