the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Good Morning.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you