Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
is this store having a stroke wtf
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.