This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest