[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]