The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”