My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“you changed” bro i was 15
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.