I identify with this toooooo much. πππππ
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Google Pay be like:
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
When I say that Iβm on low battery and canβt talk, rest assured Iβm never talking about my phone.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Why must a movie be βgoodβ ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: Iβm a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. Iβll be back in an hour.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so Iβll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Isnβt is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like βgoldendoodleβ this or βchihuahua mixβ that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have itβs just like βan orange oneβ
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para EspaΓ±ol marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
There are 2 wolves inside me and theyβre both eating tacos
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Iβm sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.