everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1