walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.