*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
*orders delivery*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.