I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH