if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot