If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Got him!
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.