Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.