If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.