me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN