I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Only a mother’s love …
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.