I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.