Merry Christmas
You Might Also Like
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
a god among men
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Never be a pizza!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.