me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
umm…
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”