My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
consequences, the bane of my existence
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I hate my earbuds.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.