*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Google assistant rules
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.