I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
mariah carrie
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”