“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The first matador
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.